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here are some quotes/lines from a story i am writing about a human person.

"[My wife] has a tendency to hear what she wants to hear. I never proposed to her. We were in a Red Lobster. I came back from the bathroom, and she said 'of course I will marry you.' We had been talking about bagless vacuum cleaners. People at nearby tables were looking at me. I thought I had missed something. I said, 'Great.' We celebrated with a molten chocolate lava cake.

"I think my wife is stealing my DVDs and mailing them to her parents."

"The founding fathers had excellent sperm. Yesterday I realized I had been standing in front of a microwave for minutes, watching the popcorn bag slowly fill with air and lose it's flaccid shape. Then I remembered to shield my crotch from radiation with an oven mitt. Last week I vomited into the kitchen sink. It had been completely unexpected."

"If my wife ever turned into a zombie I would have to decapitate her without hesitation and sentiment. I told her that she could count on me for this, that I would try my hardest. She looked up from her Reader's Digest and said 'you should read this article, it's about cancer.'"

"I ate 4 Krispy Kreme donuts this morning. That's really going to throw off my anorexia."

"I tried dying this afternoon. My wife was at the library and I was doing the belt thing like I always do when she leaves. This time I figured I would come and then just hang there until everything went black and my wife would have to wait a few days before starting her latest John Grisham. But I thought of my poor sperm just lying there on the Berber carpet. I couldn't abandon them. I took them and put them in an empty pickle jar, which I hid on my side of the closet next to all the unwrapped Christmas gifts."